and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
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they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
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You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.