Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
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