my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
