You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.