I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
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His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
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I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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