I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
27 Times The Kardashian-Jenner Clan Absolutely Slayed at NYFW
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
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Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.