I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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