Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
21 NSFW Facts About Famous Celebrities That Will Blow Your Mind
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
These Are 19 of the Most Horrible Strangers People Had to Sit Next to
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.