Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
