I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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