Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.