My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
