Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
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When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
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these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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