i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
