My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
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Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand