I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.