You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
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I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
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I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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