If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
We're too hungover to prance.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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