The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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