my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.