now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
