she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
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