Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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