I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
