after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
