I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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