I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
