ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
