Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
