i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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