i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
