WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
