fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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