and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
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I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
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Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
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