i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
as a side note pls kill me
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
