Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
