So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize
