I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol