I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
27 Common Occurrences Everyone Can Relate To But No One Talks About
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
21 People Intentionally Did Despicable Things During Sex
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!