im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.