he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face