Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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