We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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