didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize
