I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
