are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize