Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
