If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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