I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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