my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
