You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?