I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
