I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
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You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
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Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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