Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me